Cutting Edge
by Mellochocobitch
Summary: This story tells about the highs and lows of Mellos Life, the way he choose to deal with all the stress and his issues and thoughts.  Many thoughts and situations are of my real life, so i know what i write about contains: Cutting, Eating Disorders Yaoi
1. Prolog

You know when people tell you it will all get better soon...?

Once I believed it would be like this. Bad times will happen and then, after you suffered for a seemingly endless time you will wake up one morning and wiothout knowing why or when it happend it suddenly would be alright again.

For me it always sounded like some Faiytale a child would want to hear, of a world where no Bad things would stay an din the end you will get you 'Happily forever after'. I mean...thats waht everybody wants, right?

But for some reason I knew that this time it wouldn't get better again...


	2. Chapter 1 'Silent crimes'

At this Moment where I was sitting on the bathroom tiles again, for the fourth time this week I knew that this is different. That's none of these Problems everyone fights with everyday, none of these that will probibly just vannish. This was heavy.

My shaking hand clutched the razor tighter as once again the dark thoughts entered my mind.

They won't go away anymore, theyre coming back more often now, sooner then ever before.

Normaly, all these months ago it was enought to cut one time a week or so. Probebly two times if something troublesome happend that reminded me of my 'real' problems, but now it became often two times a day. Way too much, even for me. It's getting hard to hide.

Maybe Matt knows it...oh I know for sure that he knows something is going absolutly wrong here, he just can't get a grip on what and I'm sure as hell lucky of it. But even if he would know anything, he wouldn't know any of the reasons behind my behavior.

Sometimes even I don't understand it anymore...

Sighting I stood up, my legs were shaking so bad I could barely stand without the help of the sink wich i'm cluthcing so tightly my knuckles became white.

I got used to it a long while ago. I mean..it's not only the cutting. It probebly startet with the once small cuts here and there, but there are also some other things that became problems even if they should cover my real problems at first.

Linda first mentioned that i hardly eat, thanks to her Matt is now watching me suspicius at lunch times. Without her little comment he would have never discovered that, from that Moment on i had another problem.

Maybe thats just what I wanted, maybe i wanted people to notice so that it got harder for me to hide my starnge behavior...? That woudl explain a lot. I mean, it would take a lot of time to think about everything i did, my head would be busy all day with lying and making up things so here would be no time to think of my real problems, the one i'm runnign away from. Pretending, that's all i did.

It was all a brilliant theater made up in my mind and played by my body and soul. Every face i putted on had to be perfect, fit in the situation, never show anything tahts behind that mask of pretended happiness. Play, hanging on strings, everyday. Fitting in. Othing unusual. Everything as always, so pretty perfect. Oh what a pitty, pittyful life it was!

I shake my head, staring into the mirror my face turnign into a disgusted grimace. I look horrbile. My eyes are swollen, my bitten lips a harch contrast against my unbelievable pale skin. Blood loss it must be. I plastered a smile on my lips, washed my face with could water and brushed my hair. Putting on the mask.

As my gaze returned to the mirror i still could ahve spitten into it. Terrifing, disgusting, vile...shame. Thats everything my eyes see as my reflection stares back at me with these blue eyes, once cheerful and bright now kind of dull and still a bit shiny from dried silent tires that kept escaping while the razor hitted my skin and tore it apart as if it was butter.

I lowered my eyes to inspect the still open cuts, luckily no blood stains got onto the tiles so I woulden't need to clean up the whole shitty bathroom.

But still...these ones are a lot deeper than the other ones, they still bleed a little. It will get hard to hide...

With a second heavy sight i slipped my sleeve over my forearm again, made sure it covered my wrist and opend the locked bathroom door.

Put the mask on, play your part in life again...for God knows ho long. Till i meet my reflection again, see these eyes again, this face i hate the most...

Play, play pretend...till you can't pretend anymore...

Like i said, my problems are nor usual. As far as I know nobody in this House got Anorexia or cuttet him or herself. I'm almost sure of it, and i can say that becourse i'm quete an good abserver.

Of yourse that dosen't mean that somebody hadn't got any other ways of dealing with Stress or emotional pain.

For me by the way it's more the second one. I was always the emotional one, all people will tell you that. But te outside is not always teh same as the inside. Loud and messy, troublesome and out of control...yea, I'm even out of control on the insie. But that are all amotions you can easily let out. It may follow a little bit of trouble, but you can let them out without any mental damage of your own...

But there are these special emotions that will probebly kill you on the inside if you tell. Some people call it love and trust, hurt and loss. For me the worst thing is all of it together.

Sadly i'm trig to bare all tehse things for Moths now...

And it diddn't seem to get better...

I'm clutching my cutted wrist with one ahnd as i walked down the corridor to my room, my hand easily fitting all teh wa around my forearm.

Not at all..

My feet almost flew over the floorbords of the old wooden corridor that had seen it's best days a long time ago but still got a charming almost home like athmosphere. Powerful stepps echoed throught the old walls and high roof as I navigated to our room. Our room meant the room I shered with Matt for almost 6 years now. He was barely 9 years old as he was sent there, in my private space as he first arrived here. Roger called it an 'experiment' what he never told Matt of course. I was well known in the whole orphange for beeing the only one having a room for myself...fo a reason. I fought everyone out of it who even dared to come in tehre and touch anything of my things. It's my personal space, my privateness. And i needed that. I mean, i was second best for almost 2 years then, i needed some place to relax and calm down. To study, i did that several hours a day. Now i'm even studing harder as ever before but thats not the point here.

Someday Matt sat on the spare bed across the room and for some reaso he was the only person who diddn't got on my nerves. He himself was just so calm, not in the anoing way Near is, Matt was calm in a totally different way. It never bothered me that he was there when i got 'out of control' punching manic like at the wooden door or when I talked hours over hours about how stupid and ignorent Near was. He was alwys just there. And maybe tahts why we got freinds. We still share the same room wich, over the cears filled with a lot of viodeo games stuff Matt usually brings in there. A few chocate abr wrappers are still lying there from the time i still ate it...good old times. Only 6 months ago...

I push them around somestimes so that Matt things i ate one or two of the ones stuffed in te kithen that i used to steel as i was younger. Of course he isen't dump. He is ranked short behind me for some reason i don't relly understand becourse he honestly never even touchend a book since i met him, he just plays his computer games 24 hours a day, sometimes he even quits sleeping or impirtant classes, but somehow he managed to be placed third. Luckily he don't want to be part of this race, so he would never dare to overrun me and get second. That would destroy our friendship, i'm dure of it. I'm just to much into this race everyone is fighting here. Someday i will be better as Near, i know it.- I just have to work more. Speaking of wich...

„Hey mate, what's up?" muttered Matt, holding up his ahnd as some kind of greeting while not bothering to look away from the screen infront of him for even a socond, fingers klicking absolutly perfect on the bottuns, a technic so fast he worked on for a long time to let his fingers move that fast. You almost can't follow with your eyes.

„Not much...Lindas some trouble in the Ass as always..!" I rolled with my eyes, flopping down on the chair infront of my desk, dearching in the enormonus piles of books and paper for my chimistry book. Studying is what i need now. Can never be bad, right...? An dor some reasin it helps me to control my inner emotions, to calm down and stop thinking, as ironic as it sounds. My Heand is fully concentrated on my study then, leaving no room for other troulesome thoughts. My left hand is scratching at the sleeve over my wrist, the cuts are kind of itching.

„Ouhhww!" Mattshouts at his Game, after a few years you learn to realize when he is really talking to you or just with his game charakter. There were a few missunderstnadings in the first weeks he moved in here, let alone my screams and shouts about his Videogames that were lying all over the floor wich leaves me tripping over them every night. But even that cooled down soon, you get used to it after a while, even i do.

„Man, that chick is totally into you, believe me. You should be nicer to her, maybe you can get some fun from her, you know..?"

Again im rooling my eyes.

„Yeah, Matt, Like you now of 'Fun', you never hab a girlfreind let alone relly talked to one of the girls..!" I answered, slithly grinning. It's true, Matts not the most soziable person. In fact he is the total opposide of me. I can make friend easily, most of them are just folowwers and not what you would call a real friend, but for me that also counts. Matt on the other Hand is most of the time alone, completely happy on his own. As we talk he seems to be rather easy to talk to, but tahts not true. He is rather shy with everyone else, people who he dosen't now well. That kid got a Problem with trusting people, no surprise, all kids here have some problems with trust and friendship. That's most likely becourse of their troublesome past of abuse or parents with alcohol or drug problems. Wammys Hosue is still an orphange with sad stories after all. Nobody really talks about it, but were all Orphans for a reason...

„I can get everyone i wanrt Mels, problem si i don't want any chick out there. All too stupid for my taste, y' know?" he also grinned, his eyes flickered from the screen to me for a single second, then again he got sucked in into the coorful world behind the screen.

I started to read trought my book, the first one of many i would read this night. I also skipped sleep sometimes if it's necessary. Even trought i know how imprtant it is for your brain to sleep properly.

The anoying music and sounds from Matts game dosen't bother me anymore, they did a long time ago but you get used to it if your hear it everyday. I could just concentrate on my study and the rest, people, noises and even my surroundings got fuzzy. Like Matt is sucked in in his Game world i'm sucked into my books and papers. My hand begins to wrote down some notes into the book while my eyes flew busy over the sides.


	3. Chapter 2 'Time for a smoke'

After One Hour or so my Head feelt like it would explode every second now, so I dicided it was time for a breake.

In the corner of my eyes I focused Matt who was still klicking his buttons almost completly silent and does he sit like this for the last entire hour? Or maybe longer, he played on this game since I woke up in the morning if I remember it right...

"Hey man..." I spun around in my chair, facing him even troght his eyes were glued to the screen. I know he was listining...he always does. Multitasking was one of his greatest skills, it just colliedes with his lazyness most of the time. I often forget he is a genius...

"Wanna go out for a walk..?" it seems simply not fitting to ask him, out if all people who enjoy beeing outside and breathing fresh air sonetimes. But I still do..I mean it can't be wrong to try, right?First no answer came. Then as I began to feel stupid and thought about something to shout at him he paused his game and looked up."Sure...I need a smoke..!" cane the easy reply with a mooking grin on his lips. He lifter his little weight up and streched his limbs before he trapped his jacket from the bed.I was already putting my on. It's September, so the days are getting colder. If I could choose u would say summer is nicer, simply becourse I can handle heat better then cold. I start feeling cold easyli, wich is getting on my nerves the first step we took outside if the well heated warm building. Quiete rare to see Matt outside, the last time was...July I think. He dosent seem to see the need to it, he could smoke inside, with an open window ohlf course, play games inside...that's almost everything he does.

While Outside leaning at one of the old walls of Wammys House wich seem to be at least 100 years old I watched the smoke slowly rising from the glowing end if Matts cigarette up to the blue slithly turning dark this time of the year the days are getting shorter everyday and colder as well.I was already shivering.

"Do you always have to smoke..?" my voice has a slithly mooking tone in it, the one I know Matt would usually smile about while my foot kicked a stone from left to right.

"Can you ever stop eating chocolate?" he confers, then lifting his almost unseen eyebrows, chuckling slithly nervous. Or am I imagining this..?

"Oh sorry, I forgot. Your away from the stuff for a while now, are you..?" he added. Making me uncomfortable for no reason.

This question makes me a bit more nervous then I thought It would, I'm shifting my weight from one foot to the other wich I think dosent make anything eyes focus a cloud above us.

"Yeah..seems like it..don't really now..." I mumble as an answer, just Like I haven't realized it or thought about , it's hard to stay away from that shit. It's my secret obsession, maybe becourse it was always my favorite way of releasing stress...not a good way but better then hurting soneone, something...or myself. But chocolate as tasty and addicting as it is is forbidden for me now.

I don't deserve just becourse I hate myself, wich I at sone rate really do, not just becourse I was so stupid to fall in love with my best friend who I clearly don't know, as a catholic it is forbidden to love the same gender. Strictly forbidden, I will go stright to hell for it!So the best thong I can do is not letting run Matt into these sins as well. Not that I think he could possibly ever..you know, love me or something like that. But i would mist likely make him think about Bering gay and he would probebly try somethings or think about these and then...no, I won't risk that. Of course it is for the safty of my own not completly broken heart too. He will break it some day, that's one thing I'm sure of. But as long as this dream could least, as long as I'm just cracked but not totally broken to the core everything is bearable. The Lear thing I could ever hope for..."Why..?"His question seems to come out of nowhere, in my ears it seems to be coming from far first I can't thing about any good answer on that. I have thought about a few if somebody gets courios about anything if course but I haven't really thought about using them.

And not on Matt. He knows me best of all, if somebody knows anything of me at all then it is Matt. That's a dangerous thing, like playing with fire. I always had a nerve for that.

"Hmmm.." like I was thinking about it, like I really haven't noticed. Then u shrugged."Dont really know. Probebly just ate a bit too much of it lately. If you ate too much if something you have soon enought of the taste." i stated.

Hopefully he believes it if only for the moment.

"...know what you mean man. Did this with my favorite soda last year." he shifts his head to my side looking at me and gestuing with his hands wich were hidding in his jeans pickets before, playing with his packet of cigaretts.

"You know the lemon one I liked so much? Always drank it while playing Resident evil, for two or tree weeks. But this game turned out to be hard at the end so it took me longer then I thought. Spend 3 nights on it, the whole weekend. I think I killed 10 cans of this drink back then..." seems like he couted with his fingers for a moment while remembering this days with a small smile on his thin lips.

"Could have been more...maybe 20...?"I just rolled my eyes and kicked the stone a little to far away. Should I run after it and get this little toy back or not..? Ya, I really spent two minutes thinking about it. Pretty useless thought, hm..?

"But siriously I never thought you could have enought of chocolate one day..! You eat it since the day I arrived here. Was the first thing I saw you doing, ecept for beating the shit out of Near...!" he laughts and drips his smoked cigarette.

A small smile captured my lips, just for a small moment, while i walked over to the little stone and kicked it back, till it landed where Matt was standing. He looked at it once, then kicked it back into my direction, making me run torwards it to catch it with my left like he started game here, surprising course he never liked to play football with the others. Or maybe that's just becourse he don't like the others much. Or many people in one place, crouded together.

Or people in generel...The game spead up, suddenly we both were running after the stone, pushing it from one side to the other, playing tricks to avoid the other one to get near long ago was it since I last had that much fun, away from books and work sheets? Can't really remember that. It was...the beginning of summer I think. At Lear I remember running barfoot by the small river behind the house in the woods.I can't even remember the last time I haven't thought about learning and getting better or beating near in something, Matt was near me, triumg to catch the stone with his foot, crossing mine with it while I kick the stone from left to right.

We were do fought up in this little game, so little fun we had in this house, that suddely his leg crossed mine, he stumpled, yanking his arms in the air and trying to get his balance back. That didn't work so well, Matts cold hand grabbed my arm, to gain balance wich brought me to stumble backwards and yanking him don't with me to the ground. Gasping I closed my eyes waiting for the pain wich would spread fast in my back when I crashed to the ground.

With only a small noise we both fall over, I feel pain in my left arm and my ribs, also of course in my back on wich I landed at the dirty ground.

I felt a weight on my body so I quickly opened my eyes again.

Matt was laying ontop of me, he had accidently Bitten his lip, small drops of red falling on my Braun coat. It seems like he needed a few seconds to focus, while I gained back control of my berating and trying to stand up and helping him in one was holding me back, his weight althroight he was far from chubby pushing me down and gluing my limbs to the eyes focused on his again, trying not to look at his bleeding lip to get away from the urge building in my tingling seems like he got his thoughts sorted again but something was still off.

He..was looking kind of surprised, all color was drained of his face, could have been becourse of his bleeding lip, his eyes were wide and he cocked his eyebrow while looking down on me.

"What..?" I barked at him, trying to wake Him from his almost frozen form.

"Do you plan on sitting there forever? I can't feel my leg anymore, so If you could move...!" I started, but I haven't reached the end of this sentence when he opened his mouth.

"Have you lost weight Mells...?" His voice seemed flat.

My eyes widen at the moment and I think my heart skipped a beat.

What does he mean? It isnt that obvious, right? From waht I see in the mirror and on the scales there was still a good amouth of flesh on me. Maybe not much as it was there, but still enought.

Still too much for my taste...I felt kind of exposed so I quickly forced an surprised look on my face.

"Uhm, ya, maybe. Don't really know.." I shrugged while he still didnt seem to move.

That of course makes me nervous, the Way he Looks like He knows everything even trought I know for sure that he can't know anything of what swirls around in my head everyday.

On the outside I look kind of calm, like it was just a normal question. A normal question requires a normal answer.

But on the inside I'm burning up. Not only due to the fact that he is still laying upon me, but becourse I was never before In a situation that could be that...dangerous for my real me.

The inside me.

My gaze shifted from him to the dirt on the ground I began chewing my lip while thinking 1000 thoughts at the same time. My head will surely starting to hurt if the situation won't change soon. My heart felt like it would burst out of my chest any second now, even my usualy cold hands became warm und sweaty from Matts presence on top of me.


	4. Chapter 3 Trouble 1

We Sat there almost 4 minutes while Matt looked at me, stunned like he tryed to put together the unbelievable things he just found out.

And like he tried to see trought my mask of lies. To find the real me  
>hiddin under everything I put on everyday.<br>But he can't.

Matt is the person who knows me best, he could be a real  
>problem if he would found out what is going on here. I should think<br>about that, try to find a solution, bit for now Im save.

I can see it in his eyes how try to analize me that he dosent have a clue.  
>As Matt finally managed to stand up so I could rise from the ground as<br>well I took him only three seconds to lit another cigarette between  
>his lips. Silently the smoke slit out of the corner of his lips and<br>rose up to the sky. My gaze followed this for a moment before it  
>switched back to Matt.<br>"Come on, Let's go Inside again...! Or do you suddenly expirienced  
>the Beaty of nature?" a wide grin spread to my face as he took a long<br>drag of his cigarette and flipped the end of it to the ground.  
>Matts Expression changed, from suspicious to His normal laid back<br>self. His face became calm again.  
>"Ya, like that will ever happen.." he trough his arm around my<br>shoulders wich took me all my streght not to flich. I hadent seen that  
>coming.<br>"I rather want to enjoy the warm air inside, next to a tv screen of  
>course..!" he added and dragged me along with him back into the large<br>building.  
>All the Way back to our Shared room i chewed at my Bottom lip, trying<br>to push the nervous thoughts out if my head. But they won't go away,  
>like always. Why can't it be easier? Many people can just push a<br>trought away if they want, they can even forgot something important  
>multiply times in their lives. Why am I one of these who can't? It's<br>one of these genius kind of things, like if you have a better mind and  
>an higher iq, if your brain is more skilled then it should be then you<br>get those extra features. Like better and faster learning, or no need  
>to study at all, some talents as Matt got with computers and his<br>incradibly fast reflexes, or like Linda who has an photografic mind.  
>I wish I could push these nagging thoughts aside...<br>We were just one floor away from our room when we came across the  
>large common room of Wammys, were the ones who aren't studing their<br>asses of usually spend their afternoons together, as the days get  
>colder there are more people inside then in summer of course. But one<br>is always there, just like Matt who is also always inside no matter  
>wich season or weather it is. I could feel my emotions, my confusion<br>and hatred and my nervousness and everything inside if me come  
>together and mixing till a great bubble of anger formed itself and<br>rose up, bubbleing deep down in my stomach by even looking at this  
>prig. There he sat, all white a contrast to the dark wooden floor,<br>sprawled on the dusty wood in between two puzzles, moving his mouth  
>like he mumbles without one sound escaping his thin lips.<br>"Wat'sup..?" I can hear Matts voice from far away, like he would call  
>me from an old telephone with bad connection, too many sound in my<br>ears to hear his voice clearly. I hadent realized I stopped walking  
>until now. Then I could see Matt tense. He knew what would follow now,<br>and I now it as well but I can't do anything against my hatred  
>torwards this white pig, not even if I wanted too...<br>"Hey Near...!" I shout in his direction, aprouching him fast my  
>footsteps echoing from the walls.<br>You could feel the air tense.  
>"..." he gave me no look, just stared down on his puzzle trying to<br>find the fitting piece.  
>"...shithead, you hear me..?" I tryied again to get his attention,<br>this time by pushing his pieces trough the room with my feet. No  
>reaction.<br>Maybe he gripped his piece a nit tighther or was this just my  
>imagination..?<br>I don't quiete know why I always feel my anger rising when I saw him,  
>maybe becourse he always gets what u want but never has to work for<br>it? I mean, I'm already at my limit, mentally, I'm not far away from  
>bursting, exploding and going insane, he just sits there calm as<br>everyday. Part of me asks myself if he also got some dark secret wich  
>Keely him sane, but before I thought about that too much my feet<br>already colliedes with his side. He dissent even flinch, I pull up my  
>nose in disguest. Ya, I hate him, totally truly hate him fir beeing<br>him. Beeing better. Beeing what I wanted to be. And with beeing this  
>and staying psychally stable. Alive.<br>Or...what you can call alive on him. He seems more like a walking  
>ghost most of the time.<br>My fists clench and again my feet colliedes with his side, with his  
>stomach, now with more power behind it. I push him over, landing on<br>him and pressing his arm to the ground, while I still got no reaction  
>from him. It's unfair, he is unfair, life is unfair...!<br>Near was just there, He was simply just there when my anger bursts  
>out. It's his own fault.<br>I clench my teeth as his gaze collieded with mine, arctic blue met  
>cloudy grey. Like dark clouds full if rain.<br>"...useless little piece of shit..! You don't habe any emotions right?  
>Poor you, never smile, never laugh, never cry...what a pitty..!" I<br>began, I hadent realised when I began screaming and when my voice  
>changed from English to russian.<br>"..but poor little near does never to anything wrong, right?  
>Everythings just perfect for you...! You never do anything for it,<br>your not even happy about your luck! You don't deserve it, nothing of  
>it! You deserve nothing!" I screed, shivering in rage and punching him<br>in his face again and again till my fits feld numb.  
>His eyes were half lidded.<br>"...You..don't derseeve...a..fucking shit..of..it..!" i Spatzes  
>throught gritted teeth Before strong hands pulled me away from the<br>almost unconsisiones Near, yanking my body away from his so he could  
>stand up, trembling from the shock he dosent show.<br>I hear everything trough a wall. a wall of my anger, of my rushing  
>blood and pounding heartbeat, of my bubbleing emotions and the words<br>falling out of my mouth and of my fear wich is build up so high inside  
>of my that it seems like it could consume me.<br>And then I don't remember how I ended up ten minutes later in the  
>office where I was so often, led to it by Rogers strong hand. Matt<br>said something but I can't remember what it was. I can just remember  
>my anger slowly got smaller on my inside, like some monter gaining<br>control over me and now hiding again in the dark corners of my mind.


	5. Chapter 4 Trouble 2

'Cutting is a Way to get rid of unwahres emotions or the emptyness Inside of you.'

Thats the crap that Books and tv Tell you about it. Its what doctors Say to explain this bahavior of Self harm to People who are totally clueless or in Fear or shock of this if they See that People they Know Do it.

Luckily i don't have this problem. Heh.

And Even more am i Lucky becourse Nobody Found out till now.

All of this shit they Tell is crap. Nothing more nothing less. Lettung out emotions, emptyness inside, fear, pain...

All of it is shit.

If somebody tells this they have Never expirienced the Release Self Harm can be.

People just repeat over and over what they Read in some textbooks, but nothing of this is true. All is just Theory.

I was Sitting there, quiete wich was unusual for me, waiting for Roger to start shouting, teaching, punisching...doing anything.

All he just did was sitting in his old heavy chair, his hands on his temples rubbing them slowly and Bering as quiete as I was, leaving the ticking clock the only noise in the room.

I I would have concentrated enought I would have heared a few of the younger children play football outside, fighting about some stupid rule or one child who stole the ball from another and complains now about how stupid this game was. If I concentrated enought I would have heated the noisy steps of one teacher outside the dusty wooden door that seed to be hundred years old. The door, not the teacher.

But I hadent concentrated on any of these things, instead I just stared at the old wooden desk matching the door, lifting my gaze up to the old man infrint of me every 30 seconds.

It felt like ages till he moved, he lifted his head, frowned and finally looked at me.

"Why this time Mello...?" seems bit like I'm often a visitor of his office, and sure the hell I was!

Now i can imagine that the quiete minutes before should have been there for me to think about what I did wrong.

He probebly thought it was just another incident of me hitting Near, like it happened almost every week. Bit this time was different. He dosent know. Old Roger just sees the little white prick with bloodstains on the gem if his ever so white shirt and a bloody tissue holding to his broken nose. He dosent know what was behind it, dosent know the reason and probebly he's glad about it. For sure he wants to leave it this way, give me any kind of punishment he can think of and don't think about it anymore then...till next week when it will happen again.

But he is a teacher, no not only a normsl teacher, he is the headmaster of this house and has to force the reason out of me. The reason for my terrible aggressive behaivior that this place dosent tolerate in any way. That's what he likes to say, I could repeat his words over and over so often had I heated them. This time would be no difference. I don't insist on telling him the reason why I let my emotions took over my brain, why I hid that stupid little kid, why i pitted a flaw on the ever so flawless Little genius.

Oh right, were all little geniuses here, I forgot...

"Becourse..!" That's it, simple question, simple answer. Somewere in my mind I knew that he isent satisfied with this, but as he isent interested anyway I don't think about giving him another one or adding something to it.

A few more silent moments flew by before he opened his moth again.

"I don't understand why you two can't work together...or manage to stay at Lear 10 minutes into the same room without insulting each other..."

Oh, I know what's cingular next, I can read it if his eyes. My fists clenched around the egde of the chair.

Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...

"You two are do alike, why don't you at least try.." that's enough, not another time!

"We..are..not..alike..!" I mange to point out calmly trough vritted teeth.

"Not at all..! We ate completely and utterly different in any way you can use this word! We talk different, we behave different we think different! And we live in completely different worlds!" I Finnish, my voice has been shaky all the time of my effort of staying calm. Last time I let my anger out I killed his whole room..

Okay it was just the bookshelf I ripped from the wall and the things on his desk wich I pushed on the floor with only one movement but he claims it was his whole room. Sounds more impressive if he asks me even if it shouldent be something to be pround of.

My hand grabbed my wrist and hold to it tightly whole waiting fir his response. Ususually there would be one bit this time he stays quiete again, wich is really pissing me of, before he sighed.

"Dentention at 3 o clock, for the next 7 days...!" he said as he opened his mouth again. I think Roger just dosent want anything like last time happening again. I stood up quickly and reached for the doorhsndle to get out if this room fast, before I could do so he calls me back.

"Mello..?" he gave me that I'm older then you are and know better what's good for you look while I try to look like I'm listining.

"...try it...please."

I was just nodding before I left the room. All of it in there including Roger himself screams old.

I was pacing along the wooden floors of wammys house, clutching my arm heavily. I...I need to. Now. There no getting around it, even trough I promised myself I wouldent do it that much the next time. Thought I would think about it before. The cutts are getting deeper, maybe deep enough to curse serous damage, therefore I divided to do it just in emergency situations. But this was some of these exceptions...I need it.

Gritting my teeth to hold some words in I started running, around one corner, then another, one pair if stairs up..till I reached my room. I stopped a few steps away from the door, breathed in and out a few times, not only to calm down but also to get theseittle black points out if my view that were forming infrint of my eyes from running. Seems like I'm less fit in the last few days, nothing to worry about trought. Mist be the weather, theack of sleep...but I've got other problems right now. From the sound of it I can hear Matts in there, talking with some video game.

I have to act calm so he wouldent notice anything. Slowly I open the door, grinning at him and hitting him brotherly on the back if his head.

"Dont play your brain out, happens often if you get to sucked in on the screen...!" I say as I walked trought him and opened the door leafing in our small bathroom.

"Hell ya, that would be fun..!" he commented grinning before he concentrated on his stupid game again. I closed the door, the sounds of Matts game were dying behind the wooden door. It was silent.

I sighed and turned to the sink, looked into the mirror before looking away in disgust and opening the carbin to look for something hidden behind a few bottles and packages.


	6. Chapter 5 Plan

Thank you for all the Reviews so far people, I'm really really happy to see someone is actually reading this!

I'm a totally fucked up person who would end up burning in hell for eternaty. That's what's gonna happen.

I sighed, looking at the shiny object in my hand, twisting it between my fingers before I put it back on my wrist. It already has little red dots on it. 3 cuts. I opened my skin up 4 times this time and already know I will do a fitht.

It's getting worse.

At the beginning one tiny cut, not merely deep enough to do any real damage either then drawing blood to the surface was enough to calm me down. Now I need five to get the bottled up emotions out of myself.

They eat me up on the inside if I don't do it. I can't handle myself anymore without cutting.

Five times...

As the razor laid on my skin, my head fighting with my emotions I thought about opening up an older scar. It would be easier, no more new scars would be added then. My arms do already look like something ripped my in hundret pieces.

A fading smile crosses my lips. That's what's happening, quiete litaray. Somethings ripping me apart. That something are my too strong feelings, too string for one human alone to bear.

The troughts of Near came into my mind again. He was lucky, for not having these problems. Sometimes I doubt that he even has any emotions. Maybe that's esier then having to much. In some ways I might be jealous of him, not only becourse of the unfairness of the rankings. He is always calm, in an for me annoying way to watch, always quiete...the opposide of me.

No, opening an old scar would course Problems. And can't feel somuch on these places so you have to cut deeper on purpose The cut will also open up a lot wider, like a piece of skin that was cutted out, the bleeding will be heavy and hard to get control of. Of course the scar would be horrible wide and burning red.

I can't afford this to happen.

So I pressed the blade to new, unscarred skin, pressed it to a spot near my armbend where the skin was all pale without any red line destroying the surface.

One movement, I drag the blade a few inches over my skin and the first red dots appier. Soon theta more blood flowing out and down my arm till it lingered between my fingers, dripping down from them to meet the cold tiles of our bathroom. As I watched this in an silent amazement mixt with an upcoming fear of bleeding to much I felt relieve. Wonderful relieve.

My head becomes clear, my nagging thoughts went away and everything was easy again. Or it felt like it at least. Again I let a sign pass my lips.

I have to stand up, now comes the nasty part. Cleaning up the evidence is nacassary.

I pushed my suddenly heavy body of the ground, looked again at my blood on the tiles before I grapped some pieces if toilett paper to clean it up. Safer then a towel wich could be found by someone.

Then I held my arm under the water of the sink and clenead myself up, searching for a band aid in the carbian. Seems kind of careless that I don't wrap it up and clean it properly, but I rather won't make a big deal out of it.

After I checked again if any blood is left I opened the bathroom door and stepped out, making sure my sleeve covers everything up.

The room felt brigther, less full and noisy, the sounds coming from Matts Systems stoped bothering me.

I felt...free. Better.

"You take awfully long to piss..!" came Matts voice from his Bed where he was sitting, his head upside down hanging from the bed obsiosly searching for something.

No wonder he can't find it, this rooms a mess and hes not very organised..not that i am.

A bit nervous about this comment i just rolled my eyes, sitting on the chair and xearching through some books.

"Do you count the minutes now..? Man you need some more hobbys..!"

I'm not sure how he reacts to this but i can imagine the Redhead holding p his middle finger in my direction.

"...Matt you wanna do soemthing this evening..?"

The question came out of nowhere, really. Im not even sure why i was asking it.

He streched out, i could hear some of his bones popping from sitting too long in the same position.

"Depents..don' you have detention or something?"

Again just rolling my eyes.

"Riightt..so like i said, wanna go somewhere? Maybe cinema or the mal or so.? Meet with some people from town?"

A louther is coming from his direction.

"You mean the ones were not allowed to see becourse you get into trouble everytime you go?" still lauthing he found what he was searching for, is second sock.

Looks like it was down there a long time...

"Jesus, Matt! SInce when did you turn into a cpie of this Old man?" He sounds just liek Roger does, dont to this, dont to that..stay quiet, sit stright...like i would listen too this.

"Come on..just the two of us, good old Matt and Mello, hm? Dosent that sound good?"

I was in the mood for something like this, going out and searching fo things to do, so risk, something to challange in any way...that will be fun.

For a short second he still semmed to think about it, then I see hin nod.

"Okay, then! Im in. Wich time?" I return his spreading smile, a thing i did so rarely the last weeks, dont even know why.

"Thats my Matt! Lets see, maybe 8 o clock?" Again a big smie on my chopped lips. Nervous habbit, biting them.

"Break some rules...!"


End file.
